I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
