I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
