Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
