You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
