what if every blade of grass was a penis?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize