My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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