I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
