I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you would pick up someone in the library
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
