My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
