Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
