What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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