Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
