Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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