i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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