Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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