It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
