Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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