i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
