haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
