Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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