i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
