i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
