I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
