All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
being pregnant is like rehab
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
