dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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