She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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