Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
