Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
