I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
