I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
40s are totally the cure
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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