Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
