i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize