hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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