he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
