Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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