i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
