You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
