I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I want to be your penis for a week.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
