That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
