just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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