Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
