i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I showed him my bush... on skype.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
