She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
where are you?
Hypothermia
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
