Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Is Oprah even human
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
