i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
