Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
