look no pants
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
