just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
