Me too!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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