So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
