is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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