Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize