My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Randomize
