Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
