I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
