I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
