Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
