I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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