We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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