I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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