We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
