I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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