can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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