I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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