so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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