My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize