he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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